Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 44702 times)

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1700 on: November 10, 2017, 02:41:15 PM »
A beautiful sound

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old Monastery.  He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door.  A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.  The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.  The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him.  "We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound.  You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way.  During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area.  He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance.  He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.  The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.  Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.  He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound.  He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.  When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key.  That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before
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But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1701 on: November 10, 2017, 02:51:42 PM »
Sex and grammar:

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1,2,3.’ When you do you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?” The old man responded, “Your partner must say ‘1,2,3,4, ‘ but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said ‘1,2,3!’ Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1,2,3 for?”

And that, folks, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1702 on: November 13, 2017, 03:33:24 PM »
:roar

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1703 on: November 26, 2017, 03:28:32 PM »
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, A Welshman, An American, a Ghurka, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, a South African, a gay, a lesbian, a transgender, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, " I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1704 on: November 30, 2017, 09:09:36 AM »
:groan :D

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1706 on: November 30, 2017, 03:07:11 PM »
45 & 46 :roar
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1707 on: December 07, 2017, 02:53:40 PM »
From my American friend:

'Tis the season, my good deed done today. This morning at the Walmart check out I was behind an older lady in line. Her bill came to $56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under $50.

I thought she was probably someone’s grandma and I’d like to think someone would have helped my own grandma out when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her groceries back on the shelves.
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1708 on: December 07, 2017, 08:00:47 PM »
:lol

Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1709 on: December 08, 2017, 08:36:22 AM »
 :lol
funnily enough , we were behind a similar old lady the other week , and she just removed a few items until the bill was below the cash in her hand.
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1710 on: December 17, 2017, 03:42:22 PM »
Going to Church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.  As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."

Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me.  After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold ...



My car was gone!
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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1711 on: December 17, 2017, 03:56:05 PM »
 :D   Very good.   :thumbsup
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1712 on: December 18, 2017, 05:24:57 AM »
:lol


Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1714 on: December 22, 2017, 01:17:31 PM »
Love the Trump one at the end :laugh
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1715 on: January 01, 2018, 02:56:49 PM »
What's the difference between humour and odour?

Humour is a shift of wit.
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1716 on: January 01, 2018, 05:03:01 PM »
:lol

Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1717 on: January 03, 2018, 08:40:14 AM »
not so much a joke , but did you see the news reports of a road in Rowley Regis in Shropshire ( I think ) , which is called "BELL END " ?
Someone cocked up with the names there , alright.  :D
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Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1718 on: January 03, 2018, 10:21:10 AM »
I've just seen an addendum - apparently there's another road close by called " MINCING LANE ".
Not that I'm an old cynic , but something in the back of my mind suggests that we may have had a councillor with , shall we say , gay leanings on the committee that decided the names.
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1719 on: January 03, 2018, 02:45:14 PM »
We had a good :roar about this when it was on our local news last night.  Rowley Regis is in the West Midlands, TG, part of Sandwell Borough.  An old friend of V's lives in a cul-de-sac(K) :laugh not that far from this road.
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1720 on: January 03, 2018, 03:20:22 PM »
It seems it's not just Bell End and Mincing Lane that are in the news:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5231521/Fanny-Hands-Lane-Honey-Knob-Hill-list.html
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1721 on: January 04, 2018, 08:26:44 AM »
:teehee

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1722 on: January 16, 2018, 02:55:11 PM »
Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!


HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1723 on: January 18, 2018, 03:24:30 PM »
Just found this on a rubber technology forum's joke page:

To: All personnel

From: Corporate Headquarters

Subject: New Retirement Plan

As part of our corporate-wide cost reduction efforts, we are going to reduce our number of personnel by means of a new retirement plan. Managers are being mailed a package containing all of the details; the highlights are presented here.

Under the Plan, older employees will go on Early Retirement, thus permitting us to retain the younger people who represent our future.

The program, which will be placed into effect immediately, will phase out all the older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the Plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who are being RAPEd and SCREWed are eligible for a trial review by higher management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination.)

The provisions of the Plan dictate that employees may be RAPEd once and SCREWed twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the Plan are entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). HERPES is considered a bonus plan, since employees who have HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.

It is now, and always has been, the policy of the company to assure that employees are well-trained. To accomplish this, a new program called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) will be put into effect. With this program, we will now be able to give our employees more SHIT than any other company.

If an employee feels that he or she is not getting enough SHIT on the job, or that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your manager.

Our management people are specially trained to see to it that you will get all the SHIT you can stand.
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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1724 on: January 18, 2018, 04:00:15 PM »

            How true!    :D
Has anyone ever bought a sofa from DFS at the full price?