Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 43197 times)

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1700 on: November 10, 2017, 02:41:15 PM »
A beautiful sound

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old Monastery.  He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door.  A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.  The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.  The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him.  "We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound.  You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way.  During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area.  He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance.  He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.  The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.  Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.  He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound.  He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.  When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key.  That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before
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But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1701 on: November 10, 2017, 02:51:42 PM »
Sex and grammar:

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1,2,3.’ When you do you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?” The old man responded, “Your partner must say ‘1,2,3,4, ‘ but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said ‘1,2,3!’ Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1,2,3 for?”

And that, folks, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1702 on: November 13, 2017, 03:33:24 PM »
:roar

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1703 on: November 26, 2017, 03:28:32 PM »
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, A Welshman, An American, a Ghurka, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, a South African, a gay, a lesbian, a transgender, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, " I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1704 on: November 30, 2017, 09:09:36 AM »
:groan :D

Offline Sunflower

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1706 on: November 30, 2017, 03:07:11 PM »
45 & 46 :roar
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1707 on: December 07, 2017, 02:53:40 PM »
From my American friend:

'Tis the season, my good deed done today. This morning at the Walmart check out I was behind an older lady in line. Her bill came to $56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under $50.

I thought she was probably someone’s grandma and I’d like to think someone would have helped my own grandma out when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her groceries back on the shelves.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1708 on: December 07, 2017, 08:00:47 PM »
:lol

Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1709 on: December 08, 2017, 08:36:22 AM »
 :lol
funnily enough , we were behind a similar old lady the other week , and she just removed a few items until the bill was below the cash in her hand.
Well  Oil  Beef Hooked