Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 47193 times)

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1725 on: January 25, 2018, 03:11:17 PM »
Aynuck and Ali are walking along the cut's towpath when Aynuck collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Ali whips out his mobile and calls 999.

He gasps, "Mah mate Aynuck is dead! What con ah do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, Ali says "Orlroit, now what?"
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1726 on: January 25, 2018, 05:10:17 PM »
:lol
Think I heard the irish version of that one before :D

Offline ZebeDee

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1727 on: January 25, 2018, 06:31:49 PM »
:lol
I know that there's no rest for the wicked, but I'm one of the good guys - Dylan, The Magic Roundabout :D


Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1728 on: January 26, 2018, 08:29:45 AM »
 :roar
Well  Oil  Beef Hooked

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1729 on: January 29, 2018, 03:05:54 PM »
I always knew us Brits and Americans were divided by a common language and this goes part way to explaining why:

https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1733894753336066/

:laugh
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Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1730 on: January 29, 2018, 04:27:10 PM »
very asstute
Well  Oil  Beef Hooked

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1731 on: January 30, 2018, 03:24:36 PM »
:laugh
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1732 on: February 07, 2018, 07:36:03 AM »
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
                   The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
                  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1733 on: February 07, 2018, 08:13:37 AM »
:rolleyes :slap :teehee

Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1734 on: February 07, 2018, 08:27:00 AM »
 :roar
Well  Oil  Beef Hooked

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1735 on: February 07, 2018, 02:53:10 PM »
 :lol
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1736 on: February 16, 2018, 01:13:10 PM »
Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
 
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin, and he is captured.
 
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
 
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald, duck!”
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1737 on: February 16, 2018, 06:20:56 PM »
:lol

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1738 on: February 22, 2018, 03:16:22 PM »
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Paddy could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there.

He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.

The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Paddy's life had changed. He still carried the charm, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1739 on: February 22, 2018, 03:45:19 PM »

   :groan

Offline Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1740 on: February 22, 2018, 03:59:57 PM »
 :groan :groan :groan :sofa

Offline Buckaroo

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1741 on: February 22, 2018, 04:24:07 PM »
 :roar



Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1742 on: February 22, 2018, 04:29:22 PM »
:roar

Bucky has been sniffing the Gin fumes again    :D

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1743 on: February 24, 2018, 04:28:11 PM »
An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoy a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”

The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”

And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?"
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1744 on: February 24, 2018, 04:28:35 PM »
An engineering student is riding a new bike across campus and his buddy sees him and asks where he got the bike.

His friend says, "You won't believe what happened. This beautiful girl comes up to me, throws down her bike, rips off all her clothes and says that I can have anything that I want."

His buddy replied, "Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1745 on: February 24, 2018, 09:18:32 PM »
:lol Love the golf one!

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1746 on: February 28, 2018, 03:39:22 PM »
A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family.  When the family gathers to eat there’s a pig seated at the table.  And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg.  The salesman says, “Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you.”

“Yes,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy’s life.”

“Yes,” says the salesman, “I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you.  And I can see why you awarded him the medals.  But how did he get the peg leg?”

“Well,” says, the farmer, “A pig like that – you don’t eat him all at once.”
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Buckaroo

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1747 on: February 28, 2018, 03:42:16 PM »
:groan



Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1748 on: February 28, 2018, 03:59:42 PM »
I've just come across a list of tools and a description of their uses.  Knowing TG's love of DIY and tools, I've decided to copy and paste it here:

TOOLS EXPLAINED IN LAYMEN TERMS
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
COMMON SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
PLANER/JOINER: Power tool used to shorten finger tips a few thousands-of-an-inch at a time.
ROUTER: a power tool used to transform a square clean edge on a piece of work into a gouged and burned surface.
NAILS: fasteners that driven into wood part way and then bent over.
SCREWS: fasteners that are removed with use of pry bar (see above).
DIGITAL MULTI-METER: A device for blowing fuses.
OSCILLOSCOPE: A device for detecting ungroundable floating power sources.
WOODWORKING LATHE: a device for turning scrap square section wood into scrap round section wood.
JIG SAW: A device for making straight lines curvy, especially underneath.
CIRCULAR SAW: A device for cutting through the item underneath the piece you're meant to cut.
CROW BAR: Used for throwing at crows eating your vegetables and greenhouse window destroyer: See also PRY BAR
WD-40: A common shop air freshener, often applied liberally before a break to remove the smell of failure.
ACETONE/PAINT THINNER: Hand soap.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1749 on: February 28, 2018, 04:08:12 PM »
I have personal experience with over 90% of these definitions.