Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 44703 times)

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1725 on: January 25, 2018, 03:11:17 PM »
Aynuck and Ali are walking along the cut's towpath when Aynuck collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Ali whips out his mobile and calls 999.

He gasps, "Mah mate Aynuck is dead! What con ah do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, Ali says "Orlroit, now what?"
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1726 on: January 25, 2018, 05:10:17 PM »
:lol
Think I heard the irish version of that one before :D

Offline ZebeDee

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1727 on: January 25, 2018, 06:31:49 PM »
:lol
I know that there's no rest for the wicked, but I'm one of the good guys - Dylan, The Magic Roundabout :D


Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1728 on: January 26, 2018, 08:29:45 AM »
 :roar
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1729 on: January 29, 2018, 03:05:54 PM »
I always knew us Brits and Americans were divided by a common language and this goes part way to explaining why:

https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1733894753336066/

:laugh
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Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1730 on: January 29, 2018, 04:27:10 PM »
very asstute
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1731 on: January 30, 2018, 03:24:36 PM »
:laugh
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1732 on: February 07, 2018, 07:36:03 AM »
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
                   The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
                  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1733 on: February 07, 2018, 08:13:37 AM »
:rolleyes :slap :teehee

Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1734 on: February 07, 2018, 08:27:00 AM »
 :roar
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1735 on: February 07, 2018, 02:53:10 PM »
 :lol
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1736 on: February 16, 2018, 01:13:10 PM »
Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
 
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin, and he is captured.
 
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
 
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald, duck!”
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1737 on: February 16, 2018, 06:20:56 PM »
:lol

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1738 on: February 22, 2018, 03:16:22 PM »
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Paddy could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there.

He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.

The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Paddy's life had changed. He still carried the charm, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told.
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"You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1739 on: February 22, 2018, 03:45:19 PM »

   :groan
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Offline Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1740 on: February 22, 2018, 03:59:57 PM »
 :groan :groan :groan :sofa

Offline Buckaroo

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1741 on: February 22, 2018, 04:24:07 PM »
 :roar



Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1742 on: February 22, 2018, 04:29:22 PM »
:roar

Bucky has been sniffing the Gin fumes again    :D
Has anyone ever bought a sofa from DFS at the full price?