Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 46433 times)

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1775 on: March 23, 2018, 12:30:13 PM »
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, ďGet in and Iíll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.Ē

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, Iím a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.  Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful pair of boobs Iíve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1776 on: March 23, 2018, 02:45:39 PM »
:roar That's AWFUL!! :slap :lol

Online The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1777 on: March 23, 2018, 02:55:24 PM »
 :roar brilliant !
Well  Oil  Beef Hooked

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1778 on: March 23, 2018, 03:01:23 PM »
Here's another:

In nineteen hundred and two
Two coppers had nothing to do
But sit on some rocks
And play with their cocks
In nineteen hundred and two

And that limerick was spoken by a 104 year old lady on a local news interview last night when the reporter asked what was the reason for her longevity :roar :roar :roar
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1779 on: March 23, 2018, 03:07:21 PM »
:roar

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1780 on: March 25, 2018, 03:59:22 PM »
A little girl is leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
 ** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **


And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these day's.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1781 on: March 25, 2018, 04:20:09 PM »
:lol

Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1782 on: March 26, 2018, 07:14:19 AM »
 :lol

Yes, never let the press near your front door.

Our local rag of a newspaper is always wrong on most subjects it is reporting on and the standard of journalism equates to that of an 11 year old child.
I have written to the person reporting that they are factually incorrect on what they have reported but you receive no acknowledgement for this action or the article being corrected.
Needless to say I never buy their newspaper but have a quick read of it online.

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1783 on: March 30, 2018, 01:00:32 PM »
Did you know that ...
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1784 on: April 11, 2018, 03:05:34 PM »
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that £50 I owe you."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1785 on: April 11, 2018, 03:10:52 PM »
 :D :thumbsup

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1786 on: April 16, 2018, 08:15:45 PM »
Prayers

Offline Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1787 on: April 16, 2018, 08:55:46 PM »
Nah, she doesn’t have to own a bar on a golf course.

See? I’m flexible.

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1788 on: April 17, 2018, 02:47:23 PM »
 :roar
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1789 on: April 17, 2018, 03:02:27 PM »
:roar Scott! But :slap :D