Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 48741 times)

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1775 on: March 23, 2018, 12:30:13 PM »
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.  Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful pair of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1776 on: March 23, 2018, 02:45:39 PM »
:roar That's AWFUL!! :slap :lol

Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1777 on: March 23, 2018, 02:55:24 PM »
 :roar brilliant !
Well  Oil  Beef Hooked

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1778 on: March 23, 2018, 03:01:23 PM »
Here's another:

In nineteen hundred and two
Two coppers had nothing to do
But sit on some rocks
And play with their cocks
In nineteen hundred and two

And that limerick was spoken by a 104 year old lady on a local news interview last night when the reporter asked what was the reason for her longevity :roar :roar :roar
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1779 on: March 23, 2018, 03:07:21 PM »
:roar

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1780 on: March 25, 2018, 03:59:22 PM »
A little girl is leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
 ** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **


And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these day's.
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Online Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1781 on: March 25, 2018, 04:20:09 PM »
:lol

Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1782 on: March 26, 2018, 07:14:19 AM »
 :lol

Yes, never let the press near your front door.

Our local rag of a newspaper is always wrong on most subjects it is reporting on and the standard of journalism equates to that of an 11 year old child.
I have written to the person reporting that they are factually incorrect on what they have reported but you receive no acknowledgement for this action or the article being corrected.
Needless to say I never buy their newspaper but have a quick read of it online.

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1783 on: March 30, 2018, 01:00:32 PM »
Did you know that ...
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1784 on: April 11, 2018, 03:05:34 PM »
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that £50 I owe you."
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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1785 on: April 11, 2018, 03:10:52 PM »
 :D :thumbsup

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1786 on: April 16, 2018, 08:15:45 PM »
Prayers

Online Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1787 on: April 16, 2018, 08:55:46 PM »
Nah, she doesn’t have to own a bar on a golf course.

See? I’m flexible.

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1788 on: April 17, 2018, 02:47:23 PM »
 :roar
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1789 on: April 17, 2018, 03:02:27 PM »
:roar Scott! But :slap :D

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1790 on: May 21, 2018, 02:24:42 PM »
Old ones from my American friend:


I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.  This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches but, when you’re over seventy, who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk:  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'"
When you’re over seventy, who cares?
**********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip but when you’re over seventy, who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then, try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts but when you’re over seventy, who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.  The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.  When you’re over seventy, who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches but when you’re over seventy, who cares?
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1791 on: May 21, 2018, 05:59:04 PM »
:laugh Very good! :think What's a VFW? :shrug

Online Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1792 on: May 21, 2018, 07:58:35 PM »
Veterans of Foreign Wars

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1793 on: May 27, 2018, 03:09:25 PM »
Walmart announced that sometime in 3rd Q 2018 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine.
 
The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range.
 
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville, 'However, branding will be very important.'
 
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
 
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
 
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
 
PS. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax, I know possum is not white meat.
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Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1794 on: May 27, 2018, 04:54:33 PM »
 :thumbsup    :D

I do buy the cheaper wines but the more expensive brands if they are on offer....... :think If you see what I mean.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1795 on: May 27, 2018, 06:03:48 PM »
Haha! Grape Expectations :D

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1796 on: May 31, 2018, 03:23:50 PM »
From my American friend:

Stupid question, excellent answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian who was interviewed on the radio recently.  Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.  Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!  This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting..

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

Laugh at this all you like but don't believe a word of it.  According to Snopes it's a hoax.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline 12vman

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1797 on: June 01, 2018, 05:16:04 AM »
A guy comes home from his roofing job in mid August.. Hot and worn out. He gets the mower out of the garage, gasses it up and starts to mow the lawn.. His wife comes out in the lawn, stops him and hands him an ice cold beer. She says.."Sweetie, you had a long day in the sun! Grab a chair and go set under the tree and drink your beer and I'll mow." He gives her a hug and follows her suggestion.. The nosey neighbor lady comes storming across the lawn and approaches the guy under the tree. (Obviously Pissed!) She says to him.. "I see what's going on here and I'm not happy about it! You should be HUNG!!" His reply.. "As a matter of fact, I AM and that's why she's mowing!"

Offline Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1798 on: June 01, 2018, 07:19:19 AM »
 :waving  12v man........long time no see on the forum

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1799 on: June 01, 2018, 12:46:26 PM »
 :roar  Excellent, 12vman.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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