Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 48742 times)

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Online Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1825 on: July 23, 2018, 04:59:37 PM »
Which would start another complaint, that you probably don’t want to be in on...

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1826 on: July 24, 2018, 03:10:44 PM »
And I wouldn't want to eat said carrot afterwards either :roar.
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Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1827 on: July 25, 2018, 08:29:58 AM »
 :think
would it be a (p)arsnip then ?
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1828 on: July 29, 2018, 03:37:46 PM »
An old one worth another outing:

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1829 on: July 29, 2018, 03:39:29 PM »
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't have the faintest idea where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1830 on: July 30, 2018, 08:57:23 AM »
:lol to both.

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1831 on: August 05, 2018, 03:28:40 PM »
A Hamas terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Negev desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The terrorist asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie, they are only $5." The terrorist shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel. I do not need such an over-priced western adornment- I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none - just ties -pure silk – and only $5.”

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water."

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate terrorist staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Buckaroo

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1832 on: August 05, 2018, 04:07:25 PM »
 :roar

Online Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1833 on: August 05, 2018, 05:21:06 PM »
 :D   :thumbsup  very good.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1834 on: August 05, 2018, 06:49:48 PM »
:roar

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1835 on: August 07, 2018, 03:07:03 PM »
Another from my American friend ...

This one will tug at even the coldest of hearts …

Thinking back a few years, living in Florida, I remember Hurricane Matthew. I was ready for it but my wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot. She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.

Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I felt personally safe enough to open the door and let her in.
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1836 on: August 07, 2018, 05:29:59 PM »
I know I shouldn't :lol That's terrible! :slap

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1837 on: August 29, 2018, 03:01:29 PM »
Socrates' Methods Don't Appear to Work for Everything
 
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day, an acquaintance ran up to the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
 
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be something I can use to benefit the world?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man stared at him, and without a word turned around and left, dejected.
 
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.  It also explains why he never found out his best friend was sleeping with his wife.
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1838 on: August 29, 2018, 05:48:15 PM »
:laugh

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1839 on: September 14, 2018, 03:36:51 PM »
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, silenced them all when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the :moon are interchangeable.'
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1840 on: September 14, 2018, 05:12:41 PM »
 :roar
I must try and remember that one !
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Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1841 on: September 15, 2018, 09:05:59 AM »
Matt's cartoon in the DT this morning is very good - the scene is a church fete , with an old dear sitting at a table running  a tombola : "Guess how many shares the Church of England has in Amazon " .
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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1842 on: September 16, 2018, 04:36:37 PM »
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.  He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.  I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.  I was working on my law masters degree on-line. I had no bills and no debt.  I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no ... I was released from prison.”


I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He said "Thanks, how do you know I’m not a serial killer?"
I replied, "The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.”
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1843 on: September 16, 2018, 10:21:45 PM »
 :lol
Very good.
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