Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 9511 times)

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Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1000 on: June 15, 2019, 04:00:56 PM »
The lady walked into her pharmacy and asked for some arsenic.  The pharmacist asked her why.
She replied that she wanted to kill her husband.  He gasped and said "you can't do that and besides arsenic requires a prescription."

She fumbled in her purse and found a picture and handed it to the pharmacist, "Will this do?"

As he looked at the picture of his wife in bed with her husband, he replied "Yes, that prescription is just fine."
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Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1001 on: June 15, 2019, 04:01:30 PM »
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous :gorg blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says,"I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1002 on: June 15, 2019, 04:49:58 PM »
:lol

Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1003 on: June 26, 2019, 03:42:32 PM »
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that ... $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1004 on: June 26, 2019, 06:19:38 PM »
:laugh

Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1005 on: August 14, 2019, 03:10:26 PM »
I was in the pub the other night and overheard three rather hefty ladies talking.  Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked, "Hello ladies.  Are you lassies from Scotland?"

One of  them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!"

I apologised and replied, "I'm so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember until I woke up in hospital.
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Online Scott

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1006 on: August 14, 2019, 03:14:20 PM »
:lol

Online Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1007 on: August 14, 2019, 03:22:56 PM »
 :lol

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1008 on: August 14, 2019, 05:53:46 PM »
:laugh

Online The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1009 on: August 14, 2019, 06:24:25 PM »
 :roar
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Offline Bill

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1010 on: August 14, 2019, 06:28:52 PM »
 :D

Online The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1011 on: August 22, 2019, 03:59:33 PM »
Matt's cartoon in the DT today :

Presenter to HS2 conference , " I've thought of a way to afford this project - sell the Isle of Wight to Donald Trump. "
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Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1012 on: August 22, 2019, 04:05:10 PM »
 :D
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Online The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1013 on: August 26, 2019, 04:43:57 PM »
Not a joke , but I had to chuckle to myself.
For those who are not cricket fans , the England cricketer who stayed with Ben Stokes for nearly 2 hours and only made 1 run, but helped win the match , had to keep taking off his helmet and cleaning his glasses as they were steaming up in the heat.
Today , Specsavers have offered him free glasses for life.
Brilliant marketing.  :D
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1014 on: August 26, 2019, 04:59:00 PM »
Nice one :thumbsup

Online The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1015 on: August 27, 2019, 01:51:48 PM »
Matt's cartoon in the DT :
Were you mis-sold an Irish backstop ? You could be entitled to 39 billion.  :D
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Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1016 on: August 27, 2019, 02:52:19 PM »
 :roar  Brilliant.  I like Matt's cartoons.

Brilliant piece of marketing for Specsavers :thumbsup
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Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1017 on: August 27, 2019, 02:56:46 PM »
Not really jokes but some of these are really witty.

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era "before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:

- A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

- "He had delusions of adequacy " - Walter Kerr

- "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

- "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

- "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

- "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

- "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

- "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

- "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.  Winston Churchill in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

- "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

- "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

- "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

- "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

- "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

- "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

- "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

- "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

- "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

- "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

- "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

- "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

- "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1018 on: August 28, 2019, 08:53:22 AM »
:laugh Very good :thumbsup

Online Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1019 on: August 28, 2019, 09:20:29 AM »
There are some cracking good quotes there.

      :teehee     "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

  Good one.   :thumbsup

Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1020 on: August 29, 2019, 03:37:40 PM »
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential Government positions.
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Online Dell-Boy

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1021 on: August 29, 2019, 03:45:58 PM »
 :thumbsup :D

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1022 on: August 29, 2019, 04:51:14 PM »
:lol I wondered where that was going! :D

Online The Growler

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1023 on: August 29, 2019, 10:06:36 PM »
Good story - would do well in an after-dinner speech....
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Online Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1024 on: September 20, 2019, 02:57:06 PM »
God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.
 
He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.  Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine.  The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hard-working, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
 
God smiled an all-knowing smile, "I will create California.  Wait 'till you see the idiots I'll put there."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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