Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 6615 times)

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1000 on: June 15, 2019, 04:00:56 PM »
The lady walked into her pharmacy and asked for some arsenic.  The pharmacist asked her why.
She replied that she wanted to kill her husband.  He gasped and said "you can't do that and besides arsenic requires a prescription."

She fumbled in her purse and found a picture and handed it to the pharmacist, "Will this do?"

As he looked at the picture of his wife in bed with her husband, he replied "Yes, that prescription is just fine."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

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Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1001 on: June 15, 2019, 04:01:30 PM »
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous :gorg blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says,"I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1002 on: June 15, 2019, 04:49:58 PM »
:lol

Offline Percy Vere

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1003 on: June 26, 2019, 03:42:32 PM »
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that ... $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
Don't be a spanner, check your nuts.

All complaints must be submitted in quadruplicate.  The deadline for submitting any complaint was yesterday.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #1004 on: June 26, 2019, 06:19:38 PM »
:laugh